I remember when I was a child I had so much passion, curiosity and I was skinny. It didn’t happen over night, that’s for sure, but slowly my world began to shift and I found myself in my mid-twenties depressed, falling into addictions, gaining weight, losing my creativity and my voice to speak up for what I wanted. I felt like I was this adult trapped in this wounded child’s body unable to step into my womanhood, disconnected with what I wanted to do and feeling so bored with life, I wasn’t sure I wanted to be in it.
I suffered with all of this silently. My family, close friends, even my lover at the time didn’t know the extent of my pain, suffering and self-hatred. It wasn’t until I went through this intense period where I decided to step out of a relationship that I felt my body start to shut down. I had gone so long not expressing my truth and my anger that I started to feel so exhausted when I went to bed at night and just as tired when I woke. My body was sore and I found myself clenching my fists and feet throughout the day and while I was sleeping. I had slowly closed my heart off, shut down and detached from my passion and isolated myself from connecting with others, and got consolation in my addictions to help me escape from the physical, mental and emotional pain.
Over time I no longer had the ability to cry (15 months without a tear), I felt lonely even when I was in a room with friends, my body was always in physical pain and I felt bored with life. I couldn’t connect with my own heart to love myself. I had no motivation to pick up my guitar and play, or sit down and write a poem. I had lost any connection with my creativity. It wasn’t until I stopped menstruating that I started feel like something was REALLY wrong. Two months, three, six and then eight months passed and I knew I wasn’t pregnant, so why wasn’t I bleeding?
I worked with nutritionists, energy healers and went to therapy in hopes to solve this lockdown that I had in my body;this intense feeling that I was holding onto something so tight that I couldn’t relax my muscles or my clenched fists.
I was placing so much responsibility onto others to save me, to relieve me from this pain, this loneliness and get me back on track. But nothing was working. How could this be possible? The people who I went to helped others with my symptoms. Why couldn’t they help me?
I was approaching month nine of no crying or menstrual flow and I was nervous I would have to go to the doctor and be diagnosed with something that was serious. It was at that moment that I knew I was really playing with death. I was walking a thin line between health and illness.
It was at that pivotal moment that I made a decision that I wanted to live. Not only did I want to live, but I wanted to live without going through having to experience a terminal illness. I wanted to live a strong and healthy existence. So I decided I needed some space to really release everything I was holding onto. Not just intellectually, but in my body. So I did. I put deep tribal trance music on and I shook, I danced, I raged, I screamed, I swore, I cried, I crawled, I stretched, I moved and I let go big time. I saw and felt on the deepest level what beauty is and my connection to everything around me. I felt like I was floating. And sure enough with the tears, I released deep-seated anger, and then finally I started my menstruation and haven’t missed a month since. And in doing all this, I unwittingly birthed a process which I have refined for myself and with others, which I now call TrancePlant Journeys.
The key to my healing was realizing, really realizing, that no one else can heal me. I had to heal myself. I had to make the choices to make the changes. And then I realized how difficult it was to make the changes alone. I fell off the wagon many times before I understood the need for outside support. So I took action to create accountability with others, I used medicine from plants in combination with giving myself full permission to move, shake, yell and breathe out my trapped emotions and tension that I held in my body. It was with this combination of support that I broke free from the bondage which kept me from living a healthy, purposeful life.
I encourage you not to do this alone, but with my support to make changes that will stick so that you can write your own success story. I encourage you to take the heavy chains off your body and float with me as I guide you to tap into your own intuitive healer and move and shake your depression, your addictions, your traumas, your tears, your anger, your inability to open up into your creativity.
This is the time to WAKE UP! This is the time to find REASON to live again! This is the time to LOVE yourself deeply and fully for all that you are!